sexymama2b

I jumped on the scale Saturday morning (day 10), and was shocked to see that I was down ten pounds! I had to get off and back on the scale three times in order to believe it! I was ecstatic!!! I realize that I can’t possibly continue to lose at that rate, and that it is probably mostly water weight, but I don’t care - it was exciting and motivating, so I will take it! LOL

The gym is going well. I notice each time that I feel a bit stronger, especially today. It was another leg day, and I really felt great! Eating is going well, too. I am allowed one “free day” per week to eat whatever I want, and I chose Sunday as we spent the day in Chicago. I totally took advantage of the free day and ate a bunch of crap, and unfortunately felt so horrible on Monday that it almost ruined my holiday. Boy, am I getting tuned into what my body needs (and doesn’t need). But Monday I was right  back on the program; no desire whatsoever to continue eating badly.

One last thing, I noticed over the last few nights I’ve had a couple of dreams in which I was thin.  I am hoping that it means that my brain has finally flipped the switch once and for all, and that I have turned the corner toward lifelong health. What a wonderful thought that is!

I hope you are all doing well, too! This week got a little crazy with the holiday, and the kids getting back on a school schedule, so I haven’t been online much, but my Buddyslim friends have been on my mind and I hope to read updates from everyone.

Back to the gym today…as much as I dreaded it after Wednesday’s “leg day” from hell,  I have to admit that it wasn’t so bad. Good thing I have committed to the personal training program, or I probably would not have gone back.  It was abs/back day and it felt so good to stretch out really well. I do think that Trainer Rick went a little easier on me today after I  almost passed out last time…

I cannot believe that I have gotten through my first week at the gym, and I feel so much better than I did when I began my new healthy program about ten days ago. Since starting the gym, my insomnia has gotten better, I have more energy and a definite “pep” in my step, and I am alot less crabby. Through keeping my food journal, I am really becoming aware of the effect that different foods have on the way that I feel, and use that as motivation to keep eating “clean” and healthy.

I am so thankful for my new Buddyslim friends. It means so much to log on and have a comment, or read other’s blogs about their own struggles and successes. How motivating this site is! I wish I had found it a long time ago.

I am actually beginning to believe that I’ve had the elusive “light bulb moment” that Oprah always talks about, and that I have turned the corner toward a healthier lifestyle once and for all.

Have a great weekend, and remember to take time to love yourself!

Today was only day 2, and the honeymoon is definitely over! LOL  The trainer kicked my butt today, and it was soooooo hard for me to get through my workout. I even came home and had a little emotional breakdown, because I know that I cannot and will not quit, and I also know it is going to be very, very hard to see this through.

I guess I can’t spend the day whining about it. I need to continue to accept things as they are, and just take one day at a time.

Thanks to all of my new buddyslim friends for encouraging and supporting me in this venture. Today it really became evident that I am really going to need the support of others to fight my way through this, and hopefully I can offer that same support to others.

On a brighter note, I am really proud that I got through the workout! I was not sure I could make it, and I did!

Today I am becoming very aware of my body’s signals for food. I have particularly noticed how quickly I can get really, really crabby when I get too hungry. I have also noticed that I am hungrier in the late afternoon, and seem to be looking for food for no particular reason. Afternoons are definitely the hardest for me. I have to remember to not allow myself to get real hungry by eating frequent healthy snacks…

I am pretty sore from my first day at the gym yesterday, but not as sore as I thought I’d be. I guess I was smart to follow trainer Rick’s instructions and drink LOTS of water, STRETCH properly and alot, and I took it upon myself to take a hot bath and use hot packs on my sore chest muscles. I can really tell, though, that I worked the right muscles because all of the soreness is right in the areas that we were working. I am actually looking forward to going again tomorrow.

I hope all my Buddyslim friends are having a great day! 

I spent much of my weekend preparing for today - my first day at the gym with the personal trainer. I bought new sneakers and workout clothes, and spent alot of time thinking about what it would be like to face the damage I have done to my body through my poor eating habits and lack of exercise. Luckily, by the end of the weekend, I found myself excited at the prospect of “officially” beginning the process of discovering the “new” (or is it the “old”???)  me.

I have to admit, it was scary walking into the gym. I had so many doubts running through my head…could I do it?…would I look ridiculous doing it?…would anyone laugh at me or make me feel uncomfortable?…but everyone was very friendly and welcoming, and I was put at ease by the wonderful people there.

After getting weighed and measured, we got busy with the workout. He had me do an upper body workout today, and it felt pretty good even though there were some challenging moments. I have to admit, it was a little scary the first time I had to lay down on a weight bench, or position myself in a certain piece of equipment because I felt clumsy and huge and was worried I wouldn’t be able to get back up. But Rick (my trainer) was so supportive and kind, he acted as if he puts 300+ pound women on the equipment every day and it was no big deal. He seemed to anticipate my concerns and my fears, and calmly addressed them before I even had to say anything. He treated me like a princess, and made me feel like I was not a freak of nature, but a beautiful and worthy human being who just got off track. He also convinced me that I have as much business being in that gym as the bodybuilders do. There were some other (fit, thin and beautiful) women there who he has helped achieve their fitness goals, and he was able to share some of their stories and photos with me (with their permission, of course). He had me finish up the workout with 20 minutes on the treadmill. I was dripping in sweat, but it felt good!

I know I will be sore tomorrow, but you know what they say, “No pain, no gain!” I know I can do this. I know it will pay off for me and I will feel a million times better than I do right now. I know that Rick will be able to help bring out the part of me that can get through this with confidence, determination, grace and a sense of humor.

I know it may seem frivolous to some that I am spending the money for a personal trainer. In case you wondered I am not a millionaire (lol), but I have decided that the only way I can probably do this is if I have the help of someone who is truly invested in helping me succeed. I also figure that in the long run it will be a less expensive and healthier option than gastric bypass, which is the direction I was considering going with this. So I am willing to make some sacrifices to be able to do this for myself, because it has to be done.

God bless you, Rick…I know you are going to be my lifesaver!

Yesterday I decided that since I am starting with the trainer on Monday, I’d better take some baby steps to prepare myself (and my family) and gear up for my new lifestyle, so I asked my children for their help and support.  Together we clear out the cupboards and fridge of not only the old stuff, but also the stuff that I don’t want to have in the house anymore (for any of us!!!). Goodbye to the fatty chips, sugary cookies, and breakfast cereals that are practically candy! We sat down and made a list of healthy things that we enjoy eating, and went to the store on a little expedition. We were surprised at some of the great alternatives that we found. Came home with lots of fresh produce, natural snacks, and healthy alternatives. I explained to them that it’s not bad to have occasional treats, but that it’s detrimental to all of our health to have junk food be a regular part of our daily diet. Surprizingly, they agreed with me and were actually willing to try some new foods.  Hmmmm, go figure………………………….now if I can just get them to clean up their rooms! LOL

 I’ve decided to take some time this evening (as I begin my weight loss journey) to visualize my life after I’ve reached my weight loss and fitness goals. This is what I see:

1. I am healthy, fit and strong.
2. I am off my medications for high blood pressure and anxiety/depression.
3. I no longer get migraine headaches.
4. I enjoy my workouts, and do not become physically exhausted from physical activity.
5. I have more energy to play with my children!
6. I am happy to know I have given myself the best chance at spending many more years with my family.
7. I am proud of the way I look!
8. I love to shop for clothes - in the regular department!
9. I no longer hate my arms!
10. I can easily bend over to pick things up and tie my shoes.
11. My children are proud of me.
12. My husband is attracted to me again, and our sex life is great!
13. I don’t have to stress when I go to a restaurant about whether or not I will fit in a booth.
14. I have a social life again - I no longer avoid social situations because of my weight.
15. I can go to the pool with my kids and not feel embarassed!
16. I will put on a swimsuit and go in the hot tub!
17. I am not constantly dripping in sweat in the hot weather.
18. I can wear shorts again!
19. No more avoiding the doctor due to fear of the scale!
20. I wear cute and sexy bras and undies, and they fit!
21. I no longer worry about being uncomfortable in an airline seat!
22. I no longer worry about breaking a lawn chair.
23. I can reach really well to wipe my bum! LOL
24. My “cankles” are gone!
25. I shop all the time because I love to try on clothes!
26. I can wear any shoes I want because they fit.
27. I like to show off my hot body!
28. Guys flirt with me again (I’m married, not dead, lol)!
29. I no longer hide my body from my husband.
30. I am not too embarrased to dance in public - I love dancing!
31. I can bound up a flight of stairs without almost passing out!
32. I can go on amusement park rides again, without having to assess whether or not I will fit!
33. I will now allow my picture to be taken, in fact I enjoy it!
34. I don’t worry about ruining the family photos anymore!
35. I can once again cross my legs…
36. …and wear high heels!
37. Finally, I can get up off of the floor with ease!
38. I am able to get a good night’s sleep - in bed!
39. I no longer snore or suffer from sleep apnea.
40. I now own a winter jacket that I can zip!
41. Now my doctor only says, “See you next year!” instead of, “You really need to lose the extra weight!”
42. My weight on my driver’s license is real!
43. People no longer wonder what my thin husband is doing with me.
44. I no longer have to make “fat jokes” about myself.
45. I can wrap a towel around myself when I get out of the shower - and there is even extra fabric to tuck!
46. Theater seats - need I say more???
47. I no longer get painful chafing under my breasts.
48. I don’t have to constantly worry about the pressure that all of the fat was putting on my bladder.
49. I can comfortably lay on my back again.
50. I no longer want to die of embarrassment when I run into old acquaintances.
51. I love running into people who haven’t seen me since I was FAT!!!!!
52. I can’t wait for our next tropical vacation!
53. I love being a helpful mentor to others with a weight problem.
54. And the best reason of all…I finally love myself again! Which means I am more loving towards the other special people in my life! Don’t get me wrong, the process of beginning to love myself again started at the beginning of my weight loss journey, but all that fat was making me feel so angry, and I am so grateful to feel confident and loveable again!

When the going gets tough, and I know it will, I plan to come back to this list to remind myself of all the wonderful things that are in store for me if I just stick with it! 

I am also going to start trying to forgive myself for abusing my body like I have, and try to begin loving myself once again. It took me years to get to this weight, and it is going to take a long time to repair that damage that I have done to my body by overeating and having a sedentary lifestyle.

I will pray for patience and determination, and remind myself that I need to focus on what I am now grateful for, which is the fact that I have a body that works. My body may not be perfect, but my legs can take me where I want to go, my arms can hug my loved ones, and my mouth can speak the words I want to say…that is alot to be grateful for, and I am going to try to remember that.

It’s getting late, so I am off to bed to dream about that beautiful and fit woman who is just waiting to emerge! Good night.

Okay, I am telling myself that I really will do it this time…I have to, or I most likely will not live to see my children grow up.  At least that’s what my doctor tells me. Scary stuff, especially to someone like me who never had a real weight problem until my adult life. It is time to face the cold, hard facts - that I weigh over 300 pounds. There, I actually wrote the words. Only someone who has over 100 pounds to lose can really understand the significance of that.

I was a beautiful little girl who never had to worry about what she ate. In high school, although I thought I had a weight problem, as I look back at pictures as an adult I realize that I had a beautiful figure and it is so sad that I spent those years thinking I was “fat.” After several miscarriages and the depression that went along with them, I finally was lucky enough to become a mother, but I watched my weight go up into the 180’s as I finished out my 20’s.  My 30’s found me in the 200’s, and finally within the last year, the unthinkable happened and I topped 300 pounds. I really never thought this could happen to me. I still don’t understand how it did - I have been eating and moving as much as I always have, and even though my weight fluctuated, it never went over 248.

I have tried everything over the years, and told myself this past December that if I had not lost a significant amount of weight by June of this year, I would bite the bullet and get gastric bypass, which is not something that excites me. Here I am, two months past my deadline, and have decided to try about the only thing I have not tried - I have signed up to work one-on-one with a personal trainer 3x per week, and he will also offer dietary advice. I hope and pray that I can stick to the new program which begins on Monday. If I cannot, I am afraid of what is in store for me.

Anyone who reads this, if you could please send a few good thoughts or a prayer my way, I would be so grateful. I know that I cannot do this alone. If I could, it would be done by now…